Let me explain.
I started working as an admissions clerk at the hospital a few weeks ago. I knew I’d be registering people for surgery, x-rays, lab work, and even admitting people into the hospital.
I found out within my first couple days that I may work ER. I was nervous enough, thinking of dealing with people coming in with pneumonia or a chopped finger, but today I finally did it for the first time.
It was much worse than I imagined. I won’t go into detail because of HIPAA, but let’s just say we interact with the ER patients much more than I realized (like, getting their info or putting their hospital bracelet on while they are hooked up to machines or the doctors are working on them). That’s terrifying to me, and it sent me into a panic attack. I mean, I’ve dealt with them for about 8 years now, but I don’t have them as often so it’s always a bit surprising (and this one was really bad, I was hyperventilating in the restroom).
I mean, I’m seeing people suffering, and it’s really hard. It’s hard not to use my natural instinct to help them (like most humans have). It’s hard to separate my job from them as people, and not just make them into another registrant or patient on the computer. It’s hard to stay calm and sit there and ask their demographic information while they are laying there crying or are visibly in pain. Plus the people training me tell me to use my own judgment on who gets in first. I know nothing about medical stuff. I don’t even know enough to know what to call it other than “medical stuff.” I don’t want to kill anybody!
So I had a panic attack and told my supervisor, because she saw me crying and I wanted to be honest (she’s also my friend). I was just honest and told her that I didn’t think I could handle ER, that it made me panic, and if she had to let me go I understood.
Well, we went and talked to our boss (like, over my supervisor) and she said she’d try and see if human resources will let her make it where I just work the clinical side.
Well, they didn’t, because their motto is, “you can’t accommodate one and not all,” which I totally understand. I mean, it is a bit irritating since it’s not just a preference but an actual medical problem I have, but I also get it.
So she called me this afternoon (my boss) and told me that they wouldn’t allow that, and asked if I’d be able to fulfill that part of my job. I was honest and said no, I can’t.
It sucked. I was so upset, because I really like my job and I hated that one little part of it (I’d only do ER when they needed someone to fill in or on Holidays) was going to screw it up.
I didn’t know how I could do it, though, without panicking. If you have social anxiety and panic attacks you know that it’s hard not to associate that panic with a place or event that it occurred at. So I didn’t know if I’d be able to even go back in there without panicking. And panicking while working in the ER is not good for anybody, and I really didn’t want to screw anything up.
So I laid on my bed, jobless, crying, and really frustrated. I didn’t know what to do. All of a sudden something hit me, and I don’t know what it was (well, it was God, but you know what i mean), but I was like, “I have to get my job back. I can’t let this defeat me again.”
So I called my boss and asked if I could come back and try a few more days, and she told me I could (she’s really nice, I’m glad she’s my boss. She seemed to at least partly understand and know I wasn’t just being dramatic or petty).
So, we’ll see how tomorrow goes. I’m really, really hoping I can find a way to suppress that panic. I love my job and I don’t want to lose it. Plus, if I can overcome it, that’ll be a HUGE step in my life.
I thank God for giving me the strength and courage to get my job back. I thank Him for letting my boss see that I wasn’t being a huge cry baby. And I hope and pray that I will do well.
And on a side note, I really don’t like the attitude of the nurses and doctors in the ER. Like,a guy was crying today and they called him a cry baby once they got out of his room. I think ANYONE alone in the ER after a car wreck would be upset. It kind of pissed me off, to be honest, and I hope I can at least be that one nice person in the ER that makes a patient feel more comfortable and cared for.
So that’s my story of the day. If you could PLEASE keep me in your prayers, I’d appreciate it 100%. And if you have ever dealt with something similar, or worked in the ER, message me advice, tips, etc.@4 weeks ago
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